I type this from the steps of the condo where I lay my head. (The condo- not the cement stairs.)
Smoking and drinking on a Tuesday night.
A car nearby is trying to turn over it's engine- to no avail.
I get it, trust me.
I'm feeling stalled because I deny myself feeling worse.
Why do we do this? By we, I mean me.
Why do I do this?
My head is spinning and I cannot remember the last healthy night of sleep I had in ages. I am overwhelmed by all my life's changes which have erupted like lava from the heart of the recent slumber of Pele. Some of the changes are positive and some are pained. Perhaps I fear and reject the changes I asked for.
Oh great, another lesson is coming on.
Some folks juggle ups and downs with ease. Not I. Not now, at least. Either way, I end up feeling clobbered by the pins. They do not make Excedrin for that type of headache. Regardless of the new and wonderful experiences change brings or the struggling it can also bring, stress is an after-effect. Or a during-effect. In the throes of expansion and contraction, it is easy to feel immobilized, even if momentarily.
Sure, I say my mantras and prayers and stuff, but I am not sure how much it has helped lately. I still judge myself harshly when I am not perfect. I am never perfect. Nobody is perfect, but some accept this fact.
My reality check just bounced.
On the flip side, I make the perfect Whiskey Sour- extra sour.
Into your favorite mug- juice one and a half fat, fresh limes.
Add a squirt of agave nectar to taste- and stir.
Toss in ice and lots of whiskey- I prefer bourbon for this drink.
Sip and blob on.
Where was I ?
On the steps of a building situated on a busy street, I am reminded of * the passing of time, the acceptance of failures and the joy of be-ing. (*As cars pass by and lights change. The stalled car has totally died & The crickets' symphony blends with the song of the peepers.)
No matter what, I am like a cat. I always land on my feet. Sure, I may be a bit tattered and worse for wear, but that's the stuff strength is derived from, no? I put so much focus on the dualities of life that I must force myself to stop and look at the bigger picture: Will this pain last or hurt in 5 years' time? I doubt it.
Am I less of a person for having doubts? Nope.
Now, I need to find a way to get a grip on my worrying and obsessive thinking. When the physical sensations of this addiction takes hold, I am unable to meditate or focus clearly. My sleep, work and personal communication suffers- deeply. It is easy to crawl into some dark hole and wait for this stage to pass. I do a lot of talking myself off a proverbial edge. Such a drama queen, I know, but f*ck it, I cannot berate myself further for being human.
Thank Godzilla that as an artist, I can channel this craziness into something tangible and beautiful, or I'd be completely screwed. Maybe it's all part of the bigger plan.
IF there really is one.
Oh crap, my cocktail is getting low. Dang! At least I still have smokes. And crickets serenading me.
I was doing some synastry astrology last night for a friend of mine and decided to look up some alternative interpretations of my chart while I was at it. Half of it was about being a rule-breaker, a teacher and a non-conformist. The other half was about my psychic senses and lean toward metaphysics and the occult. Spot on. But I knew that. Why act surprised?
So of course, I will step to the beat of another accordion. I will delve into the macabre. I will feel deeply when others do not. Time to accept it. Time to accept me more fully. Time to be patient and trust the bigger plan!!!
A sweet, pale, little possum just walked past me, inches from my feet, not looking up or paying any heed to me.
“Opossum: In Dreamtime, opossum is the master performer, for he is a true chameleon at heart. His favorite game is ‘hide and seek’ for opossum hides from his true self and then seeks that same truth when he suspects that no one is looking. Opossum teaches us that wisdom is the journey within our own hearts. The key is to see through the smoke of illusion and to pierce the darkness of the night to discover that we are inseparable from our Creator.”
Okay, I'm off the edge now... And off to bed, where I hope to sleep better than last time I tried!