Thursday, January 17, 2013

New Year's Revolutions

I find it difficult to keep resolutions, any type of resolutions- at the beginning of the New Year or during other times as well. But since 2012 was so challenging for me [resplendent with rewards and feats of personal growth,] I thought it fitting to write up a goals list akin to a resolution list. So I sauntered upstairs and took out my paint markers and a giant sketch pad. 

I love writing notes to myself on giant paper, I tend to revisit them that way.

Goes great with fat markers.

I titled it 2013 Revolution List. It was a typo.
Or was it?

Here is what I came up with, in no particular order.

1~ Do ONE creative thing (for my-Self) each day.
2~ Listen- with Love- to my body's messages.
3~ Let my-Self feel all of my emotions:
the pleasant, the unpleasant, the neutral.
4~ End comparisons of my-Self to/with others.
5~ Accept what is with grace, patience and detachment.

In the last some-odd weeks since the number on our checkbooks changed, I came down with the dreaded flu. Yup, that flu. I also suffered a nasty sinus infection and a skull-aching maxillary infection. I had to listen to my body's messages.
By default, I have quit smoking [again, and finally] and cut out certain foods which hurt me when I eat them. I am on the mend. Slowly but surely.

I was collecting moss like this relic here, but I am back in the swing of things...
OR I have greased the wheels so-to-speak.

Something about being as ill as I was with the flu was quite telling. Being down for the count for days on end offered oodles of reflection time. Asking myself how I was regularly spending my time and energy when I was “well” became a serious inquiry. For too long to note, I did not let myself feel my true emotions. I knew this but I still busied myself behind fun activities and with “friends” who didn't get it. I was naturally the life of every party. (That will never change, I am super-fun!)
I escaped in manners which seemed healthy at the time, all the while, I suffered deep down and was unaware of my suffering. It was only after I moved into the place I live now that I was able to let down my hair in a safe, timely manner- my own time.
Without other people to entertain or answer to, I come home every day and call each and every shot. Good mood or bad, I don't have to say hello to anyone but my cat, and her expectations are low, yet I get unconditional love from her- and the sporadic free-range turd- but that's another story.

In being ill, I had days on end, laying about, drinking tea and juice and water, napping as I cried. I cried for days. I was harboring something damaging other than germs. I had years worth of a strong facade to peel back. You know how when you need a new roof on your house, you can re-surface it 2X before you have to strip it and start anew? That is exactly how I felt. I re-surfaced my self, but those shingles needed to finally go, they were not holding up any longer. Tears became my carpenters.

Revolution #3:
Let my-Self feel all of my emotions:
the pleasant, the unpleasant, the neutral.

I honestly thought that I had to keep up a stony face to get through, but all I ended up doing was stuffing pain and rage and other heavy emotions deeper into an abyss. I didn't know how to access it all. It was too big. The years of disappointment and sadness melted into anger and shock. How to un-knot that mess? How about the flu?

I honestly believe it was my emotional tipping point that lowered my immunity and resistance to germs. Had I felt emotionally stronger, my body would respond in kind.
One thing I know 100% well- it is my body.
No doctor could say a word to me otherwise. I truly am a case of “physician, heal thy self.” Since I could remember, I knew what was behind any ailment I suffered from, much to the confusion or argument of physicians- with the exception of my favorite doctor- Dr. Yang, my TCM physician, who always listens- with his entire being. One human to another. I Love him!

Wait- I digress.

It is of perfect timing that I got so physically ill.
In a small, strange way, I am actually thankful I got sick!

Sometimes I don't fit in... but that's okay!

Revolution #5:
Accept what is with grace, patience and detachment.

Being that ill acted as a reminder to me how I was poisoning myself with bad habits, choices, thoughts and actions. I was not acting as gentle to my-self as I want to be. In a week and a half time, I have been through hell. Flu is no joke as it is, but top it with not one but two serious infections, and subsequently, an emergency oral surgery- and VOILA! That is my 2013 New Year's intro smash-hit!

Bob Marley knew...

As a result of this germy contemplation, I really commit to be as loving to me as I can. Ciggs had to go. Again. Bye-bye! I want to nurture my body (and spirit,) appreciate it and feel energized by what I put into it. I have also, by default, slowed my alcohol intake to a minimum. Other than my visit on New Year's Eve out of state, I have been barely imbibing at all. I noticed how puffy and foggy I feel when I drink any booze. I am not saying I am quitting, but my natural inclination is not there as it was, so that is just fine with me. It is an empty-calorie depressant also, and those are two negative things I need not. I did agree to feel my emotions. Drinking covers certain emotions and heightens others, so a break is in order as far as that goes. Food does the same.

All are correct.

Certain foods cary resonance vibrationally that renders them comforting or stimulating or calming, etc. Nutritional value aside, I am suggesting their spiritual and emotional resonance. There are certain phrases which are common knowledge in our language and have become idioms which are likened to this very subject: “cool as a cucumber” being one of them. I dare you to munch on a cuke when you are pissed off, you won't stay as mad as you were- I promise... It really works! Too much hot and spicy foods can actually agitate your disposition.
So, in thinking about listening to my body's messages- with Love- I am lead to respond, in kind. Aversion to dairy, I hear you loud and clear. Craving slightly bitter greens- time for escarole salads. Our bodies will guide us, if we choose to and know how to listen.

Turn it up!!!

Revolution #2:
I listen- with Love- to my body's messages.

A few years ago, I decided that I wanted to be the healthiest person I knew. I eschewed my depression and fought it with healthy habits like walking, dancing and meditating. I had no money to speak of, and many details of my life were pointing in a dark direction. I didn't let that stop me. I was positive that the universe would provide the perfect circumstances and people in my life, and it did! I was eating a 95% vegan, high-raw diet, because that is what my body really craves and excels with. And my entire world changed in a year and a half time.

Without giving too many details, I will just say that some of the changes in my life over that 5 years since then were not the healthiest, and I was unable to continue eating my favorite ways, but this is now, and I make new choices daily!
I bless the wisdom I have gained and let the rough portions of the lessons go. I am moving through the painful parts, and past the negative habit parts into that self-made space from way back when, when I decided to be really healthy- body, mind, heart and spirit.
Sometimes we need a period of intense detox to clear the gunk before we beam with light and health. Knowing what works gently and what throws me into detox-shock, I can take my time getting to my perfect homeostasis. I am not interested in how it works for anyone else. Their journey is theirs. My journey is mine.

True friends don't judge!

Revolution # 4:
END comparisons of my-Self to/with others.

Which brings me to this essay, this journal entry, this blog. I am doing one creative thing today: writing it down. I write for myself, not knowing if I will share it or it will ever be read even if I do. That's fine. I know that the only things worth doing are done for myself, nobody else. And if they reach someone or speak to another person, that is a bonus round. I am grateful either way.

Revolution #1:
Do one creative thing [for my-Self] each day!

P.S. Try to be Kind, Loving & Gentle (to your-Self) this year!