Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Attack of the 50 Foot Green-Eyed Monster!!!

How does one, in the midst of evolution, defend against the direct blows of jealousy? Merely challenging it and denying it's presence is not enough. Fact of the matter is, jealousy can be subtle and sneaky as well as overt and torrential. 

Jealousy has been an ugly opponent of mine for as long as I can remember. Rather than fight with those who were acting out of jealousy towards me, I intended to deal clear-headedly with the resulting snare. Often I did just that. But, being human, I have gotten caught in the tangled net on a few occasions. On the other hand, I have been jealous of others a handful of times, usually envying perceived situations, like their life's ease re: financial wealth and the grandiose adoration some shamelessly receive.
Admittedly, I wanted to not struggle being impoverished, and feel oodles of doting love- regardless of deserving either.

In the recent weeks, I have been experiencing the caustic pangs of the jealousy focused on me. I humbly accept my talents as a gift from the great spirit, and use them lovingly in homage to all those before me, and to educate and inspire those currently and after me.
Same goes for being a warm, compassionate human bean.

Being given attention and thanks for sharing my gifts and lovingness with others has sparked a handful of green-eyed monsters to attack! From those I believed were loving friends to peers and strangers, I have been feeling like I have been blitzed and side-swiped. I have been lied to, and lied about. I have watched as people try to outshine me the moment I express joy and a sense of fulfillment. I have had my belongings stolen and my creations both destroyed as well as copied outright.

And although that feels crummy when I discover this monster:
It's not going to kill me.
I move on.
Stuff is stuff.
My art is my own.
I love creating, and will make more.

What I don't love is the dank, dark place it comes from. The place which seethes and rusts the sparkle of our spirit. I want to get a handle on it so it does not effect me so negatively. Time to do my meditations and chant. Time to pray and write for a spell. Time to love me and my life. 
But almost more importantly- time to look waay down, deep under the surface, and see just what I did to contribute to this or how- I too, am a greenie-meanie!

~Take a big bite.
Chew it slowly.~

Am I boastful or egotistical? Do I put others down? Have I taken something from another, either figuratively or literally- willfully or accidentally?

Where do I fit into this uncomfortable equation?
Right here.

The sensation of jealous pangs is a warning symptom that one is displeased with a certain situation. Otherwise it would be take form of another emotion/reaction. One may be instead- inspired, pleased, happy for another, contented, satisfactied, etc.

When I feel my best, no matter what the situation or circumstances are surrounding my life, I am at peace. 
I feel connected with all living beings. 
I understand the pendulum of extreme high points and low points, and accept them as fleeting.
 I take little to nothing personally.
 I openly radiate love within and outside of myself.

Unfortunately, I am not in a perfect state of zen-like serenity all of the time, chilling with non-attachment to outcomes. 
Again, I am human. I elate, I suffer.
Lather, rinse, repeat.

So, amongst my earlier fit of victimized shock and "how-dare-so-and-so" I self-posed the question:
How do I rise above this?

Love me.
Exactly where I am.

Jealousy is based on speculations. 
Most speculations are not based in any semblance of fact. Based on that information, it is safe to say that jealousy in and of itself is a conjecture. 
One which I simply cannot afford to entertain.
So I took a step back- after I calmed down- and breathed in the peace which is my true state. 
It took a little while. I admit it.

I have no control over the choices or intentions of others. 
I am only in control of my own reactions to life around me. I can choose to let certain emotions drift off, and replace them with new ones that are fruitful and pleasant or at least-neutral. By giving in to the negative thoughts/emotions and meeting them with equally high energy, it propagates the same stressful situation, even if it has a different face. 

Why not compost the scraps of icky emotions into a delightful mulch, and feed your garden of spirit?!?


  1. As a Caucasian ex-pay traveling Asia for the past 10 years plus, one thing I have learned is this: People WILL talk about me and dislike what I do. I seriously don't allow it to concern me. It took practice to get to where I am now, but I have arrived and nothing surprises me.

  2. Jeremy,
    Some folks just spew turds from their mouths. It is the cruel intent behind it that gets me... the insecurities that get out of check. That is what needs the kibosh!
    And, I have lots more practice to go in this life to let all of it roll.

  3. Shitty, Vi. Nothing is worse than the sting of a friend's betrayal. I hope things are looking a little brighter.

  4. Jamie, It all works out in the end. Eyes are a bit opened up more-so now, that's it. I still got what I was looking for! Either way, gots to be true to yourself!!!!!


Show me some Love