Saturday, August 25, 2012

Believe in People

I ask a lot of the Heavens. I ask a lot from/for Life. I ask for LOVE, Growth/Lessons, Change, Acceptance of What IS & Peace - to name a few. But when I am in the throes of my darkest moments, I always ask for a sign. And I ALWAYS receive one- at least one.

It was an Autumn morning as I was walked to work in the drizzling rain. Feeling despair about my less-than-healthy relationship* at the time, I asked for a sign. Upon stepping on a curb of the street a block from my job, I saw this:

Immediately, I felt something heavy, even if just a wee bit, lift.
It was just what I needed.
Choosing LOVE.

In spite of the lack I was experiencing in the Love department*, I was reminded that I was in control of this one thing. This one very huge thing. Love.
Love IS Everything.

Love is the catalyst for the growth, change, acceptance and peace that I ask for. Love is the strength which holds me up when I fall. Love is the patience that I need to sustain my hard lessons. Love is the seed of possibility I plant for my future self.
And Love starts with me.

For a few years now, I have been lifted by specific public art around New Haven. It started with the Anne Frank mural on the side wall of a gay bar on Crown Street. Who is not inspired by the Strength, Hope and Love that Anne had? 

Fast forward to last year with the Love curb message. I did not know that also was done by the same artist. I knew he made at least one more, since I found this another down-trodden day when I was walking to meet up with my mother after work:

Fast forward again to last month. I was at work and my boss' wife was reading the New Haven independent (an online newspaper) and came upon an article about the art and artist who I am referring to and asked if I knew him. (Not YET.) 
He goes by BiP. Believe in People. He is from New York, but trains in to New Haven to share his messages with us {Blessed}New Haven folk. I was so excited to learn about his prolific art in town. I had no idea he created so much for us! I still take it personally, knowing that when an artist touches one single person, it changes them, and they did their job well.

Well done BiP!

Tonight, I was reading that article again and found a link to an earlier article:

which had a link to more curb-side messages, and a map that BiP made for us folks to use so we can walk around downtown and appreciate all 23 Encurbagements:

I cannot wait to print it out and walk the town. Knowing that someone is willing to risk getting arrested for art with positive messages inspires me very deeply. I want to let him know how much his art has helped me on rotten, rough days, how I walk out of my way to read those 2 curbs I knew about (before tonight) and I want to hug him!

After reading these BiP articles and others linked & related to it, I Believe in People more than ever!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Playing Possum

I type this from the steps of the condo where I lay my head. (The condo- not the cement stairs.)
 Smoking and drinking on a Tuesday night.

A car nearby is trying to turn over it's engine- to no avail.
I get it, trust me.

I'm feeling stalled because I deny myself feeling worse.
Why do we do this? By we, I mean me.
Why do I do this?

My head is spinning and I cannot remember the last healthy night of sleep I had in ages. I am overwhelmed by all my life's changes which have erupted like lava from the heart of the recent slumber of Pele. Some of the changes are positive and some are pained. Perhaps I fear and reject the changes I asked for.

Oh great, another lesson is coming on.

Some folks juggle ups and downs with ease. Not I. Not now, at least. Either way, I end up feeling clobbered by the pins. They do not make Excedrin for that type of headache. Regardless of the new and wonderful experiences change brings or the struggling it can also bring, stress is an after-effect. Or a during-effect. In the throes of expansion and contraction, it is easy to feel immobilized, even if momentarily.

Sure, I say my mantras and prayers and stuff, but I am not sure how much it has helped lately. I still judge myself harshly when I am not perfect. I am never perfect. Nobody is perfect, but some accept this fact.

My reality check just bounced.

On the flip side, I make the perfect Whiskey Sour- extra sour.

Recipe time:
Into your favorite mug- juice one and a half fat, fresh limes.
Add a squirt of agave nectar to taste- and stir.
Toss in ice and lots of whiskey- I prefer bourbon for this drink.
Sip and blob on.

Where was I ?

On the steps of a building situated on a busy street, I am reminded of * the passing of time, the acceptance of failures and the joy of be-ing. (*As cars pass by and lights change. The stalled car has totally died & The crickets' symphony blends with the song of the peepers.)

No matter what, I am like a cat. I always land on my feet. Sure, I may be a bit tattered and worse for wear, but that's the stuff strength is derived from, no? I put so much focus on the dualities of life that I must force myself to stop and look at the bigger picture: Will this pain last or hurt in 5 years' time? I doubt it. 
Am I less of a person for having doubts? Nope.
Charge on!

Now, I need to find a way to get a grip on my worrying and obsessive thinking. When the physical sensations of this addiction takes hold, I am unable to meditate or focus clearly. My sleep, work and personal communication suffers- deeply. It is easy to crawl into some dark hole and wait for this stage to pass. I do a lot of talking myself off a proverbial edge. Such a drama queen, I know, but f*ck it, I cannot berate myself further for being human.

Thank Godzilla that as an artist, I can channel this craziness into something tangible and beautiful, or I'd be completely screwed. Maybe it's all part of the bigger plan. 
IF there really is one.

Oh crap, my cocktail is getting low. Dang! At least I still have smokes. And crickets serenading me.

I was doing some synastry astrology last night for a friend of mine and decided to look up some alternative interpretations of my chart while I was at it. Half of it was about being a rule-breaker, a teacher and a non-conformist. The other half was about my psychic senses and lean toward metaphysics and the occult. Spot on. But I knew that. Why act surprised?

So of course, I will step to the beat of another accordion. I will delve into the macabre. I will feel deeply when others do not. Time to accept it. Time to accept me more fully. Time to be patient and trust the bigger plan!!!

A sweet, pale, little possum just walked past me, inches from my feet, not looking up or paying any heed to me.

A sign!

Opossum: In Dreamtime, opossum is the master performer, for he is a true chameleon at heart. His favorite game is ‘hide and seek’ for opossum hides from his true self and then seeks that same truth when he suspects that no one is looking. Opossum teaches us that wisdom is the journey within our own hearts. The key is to see through the smoke of illusion and to pierce the darkness of the night to discover that we are inseparable from our Creator.”

Okay, I'm off the edge now... And off to bed, where I hope to sleep better than last time I tried!

Sunday, August 5, 2012


As I soften the tattered edges of my archaic belief systems, I am blessed with opportunities to open up channels of connecting and healing .
As I open up the channels of re-invented communication, I am blessed with opportunities to experience new and profound love.
As I open up the channels of new and profound love, I am open to regenerative life.

I say yes to life... 
a thousand times: 

It has been an eventful week. In the last week, my world has shifted in leaps and bounds. 
Leaps and Boundaries, actually.

In the true essence of change, I observe and honor the differences between then and now. Harboring differences only keeps us separate from one another. 
This serves no-one.
It is in the realization of how we are alike that we flow in peaceful essence of acceptance of what is. 
What IS.

How often do we operate from a stringent core conviction of what our preconceived notions lead us to conduct our emotions and behaviors from? Are we reactionary and habitual or do we roll with the punches of the unexpected without presumptions?

It has been due to the utmost blessing that I have been presented with revisitations to past truths which are no longer so. The universe has tested me, pop-quiz-style, to weigh my growth and strengths against that which no longer suits me: outdated skepticism born of the sharpest cynical nature, bogged down with resentments and hurts.

Sometimes we love wallowing in human misery. We choose the shadowy world wrought with suffering and stoic self-righteousness.
Perhaps due to familiarity...
 Serving us- how?

But in admittance of imperfection, we rise and move beyond this phase- hopefully. And when we do, we experience an illumination of the most brilliant sort. Illuminating the truth of who we really are, and with that knowledge, we can forge forward from there. Next step. 

We as humans seek conflict and drama to divert attention from otherwise confusing and disturbing sensations within our mental and emotional worlds. Often it shows up as conflict in personal relationships and utter disappointments. Rather than admit the sublime hurts we experience, we act out. Usually, like less than our highest selves.

But what if you let down the wall of convicted egotistical stoicism?

Your world opens up.
The Universe says Yes to you if you say YES to the Universe's lessons and tests.

Would you rather trade one pain for another, if the new discomfort brought you bliss in the end? Or would you choose to cling to the past, in efforts to surround yourself with the familiar smoke and fog?

YOU decide.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Attack of the 50 Foot Green-Eyed Monster!!!

How does one, in the midst of evolution, defend against the direct blows of jealousy? Merely challenging it and denying it's presence is not enough. Fact of the matter is, jealousy can be subtle and sneaky as well as overt and torrential. 

Jealousy has been an ugly opponent of mine for as long as I can remember. Rather than fight with those who were acting out of jealousy towards me, I intended to deal clear-headedly with the resulting snare. Often I did just that. But, being human, I have gotten caught in the tangled net on a few occasions. On the other hand, I have been jealous of others a handful of times, usually envying perceived situations, like their life's ease re: financial wealth and the grandiose adoration some shamelessly receive.
Admittedly, I wanted to not struggle being impoverished, and feel oodles of doting love- regardless of deserving either.

In the recent weeks, I have been experiencing the caustic pangs of the jealousy focused on me. I humbly accept my talents as a gift from the great spirit, and use them lovingly in homage to all those before me, and to educate and inspire those currently and after me.
Same goes for being a warm, compassionate human bean.

Being given attention and thanks for sharing my gifts and lovingness with others has sparked a handful of green-eyed monsters to attack! From those I believed were loving friends to peers and strangers, I have been feeling like I have been blitzed and side-swiped. I have been lied to, and lied about. I have watched as people try to outshine me the moment I express joy and a sense of fulfillment. I have had my belongings stolen and my creations both destroyed as well as copied outright.

And although that feels crummy when I discover this monster:
It's not going to kill me.
I move on.
Stuff is stuff.
My art is my own.
I love creating, and will make more.

What I don't love is the dank, dark place it comes from. The place which seethes and rusts the sparkle of our spirit. I want to get a handle on it so it does not effect me so negatively. Time to do my meditations and chant. Time to pray and write for a spell. Time to love me and my life. 
But almost more importantly- time to look waay down, deep under the surface, and see just what I did to contribute to this or how- I too, am a greenie-meanie!

~Take a big bite.
Chew it slowly.~

Am I boastful or egotistical? Do I put others down? Have I taken something from another, either figuratively or literally- willfully or accidentally?

Where do I fit into this uncomfortable equation?
Right here.

The sensation of jealous pangs is a warning symptom that one is displeased with a certain situation. Otherwise it would be take form of another emotion/reaction. One may be instead- inspired, pleased, happy for another, contented, satisfactied, etc.

When I feel my best, no matter what the situation or circumstances are surrounding my life, I am at peace. 
I feel connected with all living beings. 
I understand the pendulum of extreme high points and low points, and accept them as fleeting.
 I take little to nothing personally.
 I openly radiate love within and outside of myself.

Unfortunately, I am not in a perfect state of zen-like serenity all of the time, chilling with non-attachment to outcomes. 
Again, I am human. I elate, I suffer.
Lather, rinse, repeat.

So, amongst my earlier fit of victimized shock and "how-dare-so-and-so" I self-posed the question:
How do I rise above this?

Love me.
Exactly where I am.

Jealousy is based on speculations. 
Most speculations are not based in any semblance of fact. Based on that information, it is safe to say that jealousy in and of itself is a conjecture. 
One which I simply cannot afford to entertain.
So I took a step back- after I calmed down- and breathed in the peace which is my true state. 
It took a little while. I admit it.

I have no control over the choices or intentions of others. 
I am only in control of my own reactions to life around me. I can choose to let certain emotions drift off, and replace them with new ones that are fruitful and pleasant or at least-neutral. By giving in to the negative thoughts/emotions and meeting them with equally high energy, it propagates the same stressful situation, even if it has a different face. 

Why not compost the scraps of icky emotions into a delightful mulch, and feed your garden of spirit?!?