Faithful Captain of the Ship of Fools

I have been doing exactly what I intended to NOT do: avoid this blog if I was going through tough times. It is as if I do not want to admit, in some "sacred space" that I am human. I have other venues for that. I have my friends and my writing and other creative outlets. But change and growth is exactly why I started this blog, as I mentioned. 

It is a process, change. We push and shove and expect it to react in kind by having immediate results [like a haircut or outfit change] but true transformation does not adhere to our simple rules. 

Isn't it true that the only thing we can control is how we react to our circumstances? If so, then we only have our responses to guide us as we move onward. 

I could say the words "I accept change and therefore I am okay with it" but I would only be lying- mainly, to myself. (I have actually said that before. Silly me.) Currently, at this moment, I am in a quasi-denial stage of resisting to acknowledge a change I not only asked for, but initiated. 

Knowing full well that it could be extra-chunky and hard to chew,
 I said "Okay Universe, I am ready."

 Then I leaped.

I was the fool... 

Well, kind of.

Like the Vagabond here.

{From: "Ship of Fools" tarot deck by Brian Willams.}

We know that the unknown is frightening and exciting, it's just that we tend to get the ratio of scared witless to giddy all wonky. I do anyway. 

  Holy Moly  -VS-  Bring It On  

  Showdown on NOW!  

For so long, I was a fighter. I had to be. Survival was of the essence. I fought for basic needs. I fought for fairness and justice. I fought for pride. I fought fought fought.
And at some point, I decided it was futile. Either my basic needs would get met or not. Either fairness would rule or not. Pride is an illusion and a dangerous one. I took off my gloves and walked out of the ring.
Years have come and gone, and I realized recently that I only stepped into the ring to fight with myself. Not FOR myself.

That is where the Universe comes into play.

Like a message in a bottle, when we toss out our intentions, they often return from distant shores once we released expectations of their return. So it is with the boomerang of energy which is our prayers or wishes on a higher level. If we hold on, white-knuckled, to our desires, we crush them in our own hand. When we cradle them with loving kindness and release them like a butterfly, they find their way to their own perfect little home.

I asked the Universe for just that.
My own perfect little home.
And what I got in return was very different than I expected. I was looking forward to a roof over my head, a cosy nook to call my own. And what i got was a boost of confidence to call ME my own home, for I had been looking outside for home the entire time. My cosy nook isn't ready for me yet. I have to believe it is getting itself ready for me and in good time, we will be united. I have to have faith it will.

Faith comes in many forms. It does not have to be a religious doctrine, although it often is associated as thus. For most of my youth and early adult life, I believed I had no faith since I do not adhere to religion. I thought they went hand in hand. Having always been a very spiritual person, I had my own set of beliefs I was comfortable maneuvering around life and it's challenges with.

A friend told me I had much faith a few years back after I was going through a wrestling match with forgiveness. I cannot recall the way she put it, but it made sense to me and I have verbally owned having faith now.
(My having of faith has neither grown nor shrank. I just have it.)
Who knows what I called faith before, but there is power in naming things which are abstractions of linear understanding. It makes them less abstract and more tangible.
Just what I needed at the time.

Which brings me to the Ship I am on.
 I am the captain of this Ship of Fools and all the Fools are me. Every face is mine.
Every face presents itself with infinite possibility and infinite strangeness, for every face is looking in a direction uncharted. It is up to me to steer the Ship.

  Up to me to decide where we/I go.   

I want to go where I need to be.
I want to experience and savor each morsel of this crazy trip
as I transform into Vee-2 point OH!
Some of these morsels are sweet, some spicy, some bland, some rotten, but all are worthy of tasting.
I forget this fact sometimes.
I want to rush through the yucky stuff because I know it's going to be uncomfortable, but dang- there's a big treat at the end.
And presence in right now. I forget that one the most.
I actually forget to breathe sometimes. I hold my breath and clench my jaw out of the resistance.

And then I have to come back to center.

Back to my little home on my back and BE.


I will leave you with a quote from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance 
by Robert M. Pirsig:

"On this trip I think we should notice it, explore it a little, to see if in that strange separation of what man is from what man does we may have some clues as to what the hell has gone wrong in this twentieth century. I don't want to hurry it. That itself is a poisonous twentieth-century attitude. When you want to hurry something, that means you no longer care about it and want to get on to other things. I just want to get at it slowly, but carefully and thoroughly, with the same attitude I remember was present just before I found that sheared pin. It was that attitude that found it, nothing else."

INTENT

I was just now thinking about new ways to replace some of my unneeded and outdated thoughts, habits and actions with newer, more healthy ones. After pondering this lightly, I decided to check out some fun spiritually-minded web pages I enjoy frequenting. I went to Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology page. He has valuable Astrological Life perspectives and paints inspiring portraits for each Sun Sign to ponder. Check it out HERE!


This is what I read : 

Thirty-two carrier pigeons were awarded medals by the United Kingdom for their meritorious service in the World Wars. Of course, they probably would have preferred sunflower seeds and peanuts as their prize. Let that lesson guide you as you bestow blessings on the people and animals that have done so much for you, Virgo. Give them goodies they would actually love to receive, not meaningless gold stars or abstract accolades. It's time to honor and reward your supporters with practical actions that suit them well. Do you want further explorations of the intriguing twists and turns of your personal evolution? Would you like help in solving the riddles that confuse you? * SACRED ADVERTISEMENT Alice finds her way to Wonderland by falling down a rabbit hole. Dorothy rides to Oz on a tornado. In C. S. Lewis'sThe Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, Lucy stumbles into the magical land of Narnia via a portal in the back of a large clothes cabinet. In the sequels to all these adventures, however, the heroines must find different ways to access their exotic dreamlands. Alice slips through a mirror next time. Dorothy uses a Magic Belt. Lucy leaps into a painting of a schooner that becomes real. Take heed of these precedents. The next time a threshold opens into an alternative reality you've enjoyed in the past, it may not resemble the doorways you've used before. * The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Alice in Wonderland is one of my all-time favorite stories. It is the book which lent to my philosophical inclinations as a child which only grew as I did. 


I knew that things were definitely not always as they appeared and enjoyed daydreaming about other ways of being, living, relating and on and on. I created a protective imaginary world with which to view my stranger-than-fiction life from. I went there to be safe, to not be judged, to play freely and explore other sides of what was harsh and negative to deal with. 


What Alice gave me was a home. This home had walls I could walk through, mythical creatures I cavorted with and was a real home. I was the royalty there. I called the shots, unlike little Alice in the book. I was not a victim of absurdities, but a mere participant in creating them, acting an observer or invisible to everyone else if something felt off.


I had power by just existing.


So after reading the above forecast, I found the questions Brezsny posed resonated with me more than the actual horoscope. 


I am evolving personally. 


In the process of said evolution, it can be challenging or downright impossible {or as in Alice, downright Impassible, because nothing is impossible in Wonderland} to know the tastes of the fruits of the evolutionary process before the fruit ripens.

Patience is key. 


Trusting in the process of life is a huge undertaking, yet so simple.


I find it much easier to be both patient and trusting when I take a step off the pedestal I put myself on and then take one step backward. 


Perhaps it is a good time to read Alice again, or Sartre. 
I know that every new experience is an adventure, great or minute. 
All are valid.

INTENT like the photo above reads- is the Divine message!

List of Honor

Inspired by my friend D., during a conversation earlier this week, 

[one where I was feeling especially down in the dumps,] 

I have started writing a running list of the ways I honor myself.

By taking the focus off of the ways I have found fault in my actions/reactions 

(which is just punishing myself,) 

I can spin my focus positively to create a more healthy basis for living. 

So far, so good.

Now, some folks are slightly *self-debasing, but I really took the cake on that one.

Like a less delicious layer cake.

Enough.

Rather than mope and cry about how these hurtful behaviors began and asking myself why it has happened this long,

 I am choosing to stop that behavior whenever I realize it is happening.

Asking “How” or “Why” is futile now.

How suggests we continue to re-observe and re-experience the past, often under a microscope. 

I would rather not continually unearth old wounds. 

Doing so has not helped me this far, why do it any more? 

Having lived through the pains is bad enough, reliving them is worse. It is another self-inflicted pain, often lived over and over again. 

It is, in essence, a form of punishment.

A lifetime of conditioning does not come undone overnight. 

The undoing is a process like any new habit worth implementing in our life. 

The Honoring list is a part of the healing process. 

When we replace one negative behavior with a positive behavior,

 in time- the “Why?” presents itself.

Therein lies wisdom.

The Serenity Prayer sums it up:

Godzilla,

 Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

&

Wisdom to know the difference.

No amount of trying to learn anything can replace the effortlessness of wisdom.

*Self-debasing behavior is a character flaw, as is it's evil twin: Narcisism (& overblown pride.)

Both are harmful expressions of a false sense of self.