B is for Be-ing

We live in such a fast-paced culture, it can be difficult to stop doing things. After all, the laundry will not wash itself, the cat will not shop for her own food and the paycheck does not come in without our showing up for work.

But aside from obligations related to survival, what do we really have to DO?

Fletcher knows

Would the planet stop spinning on it's axis if we didn't return a few phone calls? Would the sky cave in if we didn't buy new shoes before the sale was over? Would we stop being loved if we didn't show up to the “happy hour” as our friends wanted us to?

I doubt it.

So, why do we feel so utterly compelled to be involved in so many activities which separate us from our duty of Be-ing? Even a vacation is an excursion with planned relaxation itinerary. Couples have to schedule “date nights” because the spontaneity has escaped their intimate bedrooms.

DO do Do. GO go Go.

STOP!

If we tossed out the window:

our past habits, traditions, shoulds and expectations-

what would we have?

Just Be-ing.

Breathing, living, experiencing.

I pose these questions because I am a Do-er.

Even when I am sitting down, supposedly relaxing, my head is racing with thoughts about what I expect myself to be actively doing. Followed by pangs of guilt for not doing them. The cat and mouse game of shoulds and guilt are futile. They are based in a dualistic reality based on reward and punishment where we are the judges and jury. And we are always on trial.

It is Kafka-esque futile now that I think of it.

&

It is crazy-making at it's finest.

I am changing one outdated belief structure and useless re/action at a time.

I have started this blog recently in leu of my gentler experiences Be-ing.

Focusing on being present, coming back to my breath, meditating/mantras and being kind to myself [and others] are not new ideas to me, although they have not been consistently implemented in my life since I first met them many moons ago.

They were foster children until recently.

I decided to adopt them permanently.

Transitioning from a harsh to a clement reality is not “Voila!” an overnight change. It is riddled with many moments of frustrated patience, grumbling acceptance and self-forgiveness, for none of us are perfect! 

Isn't that perfect?

I could make lists of what I didn't DO today that I thought I would.

I could make a list of my accomplishments thus far, things I actually did accomplish.

But those lists only set me up for the either/or dynamic that feels icky.

Perhaps making a quick list of things I appreciate which I beam Love to would be a healthier, gentler idea.

Kitty snuggled up by my side.

Dear friends whom I adore.

Healthy foods to eat.

Great books.

Peace.

Remember- ALL you NEED to DO is Breathe and BE!

Faithful Captain of the Ship of Fools

I have been doing exactly what I intended to NOT do: avoid this blog if I was going through tough times. It is as if I do not want to admit, in some "sacred space" that I am human. I have other venues for that. I have my friends and my writing and other creative outlets. But change and growth is exactly why I started this blog, as I mentioned. 

It is a process, change. We push and shove and expect it to react in kind by having immediate results [like a haircut or outfit change] but true transformation does not adhere to our simple rules. 

Isn't it true that the only thing we can control is how we react to our circumstances? If so, then we only have our responses to guide us as we move onward. 

I could say the words "I accept change and therefore I am okay with it" but I would only be lying- mainly, to myself. (I have actually said that before. Silly me.) Currently, at this moment, I am in a quasi-denial stage of resisting to acknowledge a change I not only asked for, but initiated. 

Knowing full well that it could be extra-chunky and hard to chew,
 I said "Okay Universe, I am ready."

 Then I leaped.

I was the fool... 

Well, kind of.

Like the Vagabond here.

{From: "Ship of Fools" tarot deck by Brian Willams.}

We know that the unknown is frightening and exciting, it's just that we tend to get the ratio of scared witless to giddy all wonky. I do anyway. 

  Holy Moly  -VS-  Bring It On  

  Showdown on NOW!  

For so long, I was a fighter. I had to be. Survival was of the essence. I fought for basic needs. I fought for fairness and justice. I fought for pride. I fought fought fought.
And at some point, I decided it was futile. Either my basic needs would get met or not. Either fairness would rule or not. Pride is an illusion and a dangerous one. I took off my gloves and walked out of the ring.
Years have come and gone, and I realized recently that I only stepped into the ring to fight with myself. Not FOR myself.

That is where the Universe comes into play.

Like a message in a bottle, when we toss out our intentions, they often return from distant shores once we released expectations of their return. So it is with the boomerang of energy which is our prayers or wishes on a higher level. If we hold on, white-knuckled, to our desires, we crush them in our own hand. When we cradle them with loving kindness and release them like a butterfly, they find their way to their own perfect little home.

I asked the Universe for just that.
My own perfect little home.
And what I got in return was very different than I expected. I was looking forward to a roof over my head, a cosy nook to call my own. And what i got was a boost of confidence to call ME my own home, for I had been looking outside for home the entire time. My cosy nook isn't ready for me yet. I have to believe it is getting itself ready for me and in good time, we will be united. I have to have faith it will.

Faith comes in many forms. It does not have to be a religious doctrine, although it often is associated as thus. For most of my youth and early adult life, I believed I had no faith since I do not adhere to religion. I thought they went hand in hand. Having always been a very spiritual person, I had my own set of beliefs I was comfortable maneuvering around life and it's challenges with.

A friend told me I had much faith a few years back after I was going through a wrestling match with forgiveness. I cannot recall the way she put it, but it made sense to me and I have verbally owned having faith now.
(My having of faith has neither grown nor shrank. I just have it.)
Who knows what I called faith before, but there is power in naming things which are abstractions of linear understanding. It makes them less abstract and more tangible.
Just what I needed at the time.

Which brings me to the Ship I am on.
 I am the captain of this Ship of Fools and all the Fools are me. Every face is mine.
Every face presents itself with infinite possibility and infinite strangeness, for every face is looking in a direction uncharted. It is up to me to steer the Ship.

  Up to me to decide where we/I go.   

I want to go where I need to be.
I want to experience and savor each morsel of this crazy trip
as I transform into Vee-2 point OH!
Some of these morsels are sweet, some spicy, some bland, some rotten, but all are worthy of tasting.
I forget this fact sometimes.
I want to rush through the yucky stuff because I know it's going to be uncomfortable, but dang- there's a big treat at the end.
And presence in right now. I forget that one the most.
I actually forget to breathe sometimes. I hold my breath and clench my jaw out of the resistance.

And then I have to come back to center.

Back to my little home on my back and BE.


I will leave you with a quote from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance 
by Robert M. Pirsig:

"On this trip I think we should notice it, explore it a little, to see if in that strange separation of what man is from what man does we may have some clues as to what the hell has gone wrong in this twentieth century. I don't want to hurry it. That itself is a poisonous twentieth-century attitude. When you want to hurry something, that means you no longer care about it and want to get on to other things. I just want to get at it slowly, but carefully and thoroughly, with the same attitude I remember was present just before I found that sheared pin. It was that attitude that found it, nothing else."