R is for Respite

Let's face it, we all need a rest some times, especially from the crummy stuff.

I have been working very hard, at both of my paid jobs and on my personal growth. It has been longer than a month since I gave myself permission to DO nothing. To take a day off for real. Yesterday was an attempt at that day off. But I ended up cooking and doing housework (and thinking way too much) all day instead.

I woke this morning with a sense of urgency. Already abuzz with my wheels spinning, I felt compelled to get right up and make something I forgot to make yesterday. Talk about fixated!

Drive like that doesn't feel good.

 Ommmm Mooooooo 

 

And here I am, typing away on my true day off, writing this darned post about respite, when I need one so badly. This is my 5^th attempt at writing the “R” post. None of them read how I intended them to read. My venture to guess is because I'm feeling a wee bit fried by this challenge.

What I learned through accepting the A to Z challenge:

~I am already a dedicated writer, whether or not I write daily, at a certain time, or share it or not- there is no contention about my love for writing.

~I must stop this insanity with following rules. It's not my style and when I adhere to these unrealistic “guidelines” I end up frustrated. I am not a linear person. Point taken.

I need a respite from any opinions and judgements.

I need a respite from anxiety and over-exertion.

I need a respite from others' icky moods and fears.

Respite for today:

A healthy brunch followed by a bubble bath!

Q is For Quiet

Quiet the mind.

Quiet the voice.

Quiet the ego.

And know peace.

I am so excited to be this close to living alone again.

I eagerly anticipate days and days- with no talking.

I cannot wait.

Be the peace you wish to see in the world.

P is for Prayer

Some nights I sleep better than others. I always hope to get a nourishing, restful night of REM goodness, but that isn't always the case. Depending on my dietary intake earlier that day/night, the planetary workings &/or my mental and physical cycles, I may get little or no sleep at all.

But one thing remains consistent in my sleep patterns.

My waking.

In spite of whether or not I wake naturally, by alarm clock, or eek! against my will, 

I do the same thing every day:

I say a little prayer.

As a teen and very young adult, my concept of prayer was a negative, dogmatic one- by default. Having in my youth been exposed to the extremes of those driven by religious fervor, by people influenced by the aeriest-faeriest of bells and whistles and atheistic folks, I was turned off by anything that was not tuned in from within me.

Truth be told:

I was convinced that most people were nuts.

And I was also convinced that prayer was reserved for those individuals who were trying to beg or manipulate natural energies at work. Why would I want any part in that? I witnessed people trying to “pray” the “devil” out, to no avail, because devil is a false concept in the first place. I also witnessed wealthy, educated white people chanting to some Hindu gods for some more of whatever they desired. I even witnessed others denounce the existence of anything beyond their precious intellect and ego... Which sounded like an inside-out prayer to me.

The word prayer is defined as:

prayer |pre(ə)r|

noun

a solemn request for help or expression of thanks addressed to God or an object of worship : I'll say a prayer for him | the peace of God is ours through prayer.

• ( prayers) a religious service, esp. a regular one, at which people gather in order to pray together : 500 people were detained as they attended Friday prayers.

• an earnest hope or wish : it is our prayer that the current progress on human rights will be sustained.

My deep, dark, sinking depression had me all bound up inside for far too long. My spirit was thin and choking, I lacked the joyous luster I held so dear and my much-loved activities no longer resulted in an iota of satisfaction anymore.

I tried everything I could think of, I went to therapy, even tried big pharma's pills for a tiny bit, I exercised and changed my diet, talked my friends' ears off, journaled till my hands cramped up, and nothing helped much.

I was convinced that it never would improve.

Being the avid reader that I am, I came across a book that had been popular in my inner circle for over a decade. Most of my friends read it already, and for whatever reason, I never did. I picked up a copy of The Celestine Prophecy from the local book swap. Now, I enjoyed the read, but by no stretch was this book a genius read. Yet something struck a chord within me that resonated off the pages and into my heart.

Awe and Gratitude!

The book brought to light an idea of sending loving, vibrational intentions and appreciation toward the auric field which all living things emanate outward. I speak that language so I felt a symbiotic connection to the message in the book. Having remembered the exit greeting from a{strange and smelly} yoga class I took years prior, I noted that Namaste' is the word used to acknowledge one another.

Namaste'.

The light within me honors the light within you.

The Celestine Prophecy made me want to Namaste' outward to all that is and was alive, on a regular basis, for quite some time. And in that gentle, honoring space, including my actively practicing gratitude, I found it easier and easier to let go of my past judgements about what prayer was.

 Namaste', Nature! 

I said prayers to help others heal on all levels, to alleviate pain and suffering in the world, asking for guidance and focus- whatever I saw fit to pray for. Now, the dark clouds did not disappear in a burst of a-ha lightning, but I now understand my part in it, knowing that I have some control over how I react to the murky waters. I rely on my strengths more and more & external influences less and less. I do whatever I need to do to feel grounded and loving. Living intentionally (with love) has become my main focus.

More recently, I use prayer daily to start my day.

Before I even get out of bed, I say a little prayer, sending out my daily intention to the great beyond:

Bless me,

Bless Fletchie,

and 

Bless Everyone I come into contact with today.

{Fletchie!}

So simple, yet sending out a gentle reminder to the universe that I intend to experience blessings, I figure it can only help.

Blessings,

Violet

O is for Origins

Where did you come from?
How do you identify yourself?
What is your ideal vision of how you wish to be perceived?

Our past does not define us, yet it influences us all.

When I think about my origins, a few points immediately come to mind. Firstly, I think of my upbringing and my child-life experiences, I think about that which was related to my socioeconomic identity, my family and my peers. I also think about my heritage, both my family tree whose branches were tangible and the lengthy off-shoots beyond my reach. And lastly, and most importantly, I believe, I think about my spiritual life, my karmic history and past lives.

 One Soul, Many Bodies 

I am one of those people who believes that the immeasurable part of us recycles into the primordial soup and back again. Call it reincarnation or whatever, I have my own theory about it. This is not that post though, sorry.

Remembering past incarnations as a healer, a midwife, a shaman, a guide, I find much of what seems natural to me in this lifetime to be perhaps related to living other lifetimes. Hence, origins.

It is where my soul came from that really matters.

I can eschew the admonitions of others related to my past, both in this body or another, but it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks, as long as what I believe feels right.

I know who I am, I know where I came from.

AND I know where I belong.

When I think about my origins of life in this time, it feels pretty uncomfortable.

Yet when I think about my life in other times, I get a sense of strength and purpose which supports what I am creating in the now.

In the presence of experiencing my true purpose paralleling with karmic memories, I experience a sense of validating freedom and enlightening of my spirit. It is when I feel this way that I know I am on the right path.

It is also easier to let go of the belief structures based on and tied to the origins of my upbringing when I take a soul-full life-time into consideration.

Suddenly, twenty or so years means very little.

I meet and will continue to meet people I knew from past lives. We will continue to grow together.

 Hello again. 

Lovers and friends often travel with us over and over, as do family members. Crazy to think that my mother could have been my brother a hundred years ago, and we could be playing out a past drama which was unresolved back then, in this timeline.

Origins.

Expanding the view of existence one moment at a time.

One lifetime at a time.

N is for No

 No as in: 

“No, I do NOT want to talk about it.”

“No, I cannot help you with yet another thing.”

“No, I am not interested in doing the same old things over and over and over...”

No is such a liberating word.

It is also accused of being taboo, as some negative curse, depending upon who you ask.

After what seems like a lifetime of reluctant okays and resentful yeses, I relish in the pure freedom of NO.

 Just because someone throws you a ball does not mean you MUST catch it. 

Some of us were raised to be yessers.

Yes I will do that for you and make your life easier.

I willingly and subsequently suffer as a result of this giving nature, since I am sooo generous and compassionate. How righteous.

Wrong.

That behavior turns anyone into a pseudo martyr.

I simply cannot get behind the martyr thing.

No thanks.

Living more thoughtfully than in recent months, with healthier boundaries, I have forced myself to say NO much more than I ever have in the past. If I continued to say yes yes yes, I would have nothing left to give. The no list includes support, friendship, empathy, resources- those characteristics which are noble to have in healthy ratio.

If I give out more than the lion's share, then I am just a selfless fool.

Having been the fool before, I became angry at myself and at the people who were seemingly un-giving. Then I felt even worse.

Better to rethink than react in that manner.

I found that I have grown past certain friends since my fresh dose of no-ism. People expect you to be the person they identified with when you met, especially if they themselves have not changed. (I specifically refer to friends and others of long standing.) 

I am not the type of person who switches sentiment off and on in a snap. I process slower than that and with much contemplation about the situation.Although intellectually, I know what healthy parameters are in relationships, I spent years behaving as if I did not. I gave and gave until I was wiped out. Getting nothing in return will do that to a person.

This is not the first excursion with NO in my life. I have vacationed in NO-land and even had a brief timeshare there, but as my jobs, friendships, lifestyle and communication approach has drastically changed, I slid back into the pre-destined selfless giver yes mode.

 What can I say, I love big, I give big. 

Regardless of the intention to lovingly assist and help eliminate another's suffering, which are positive traits I believe, it is the entire picture of the giving characteristic which needs to be viewed. Hence, my giving pursuit being paused for a station identification.

It is safe to say that I am going through a life makeover.

I am keeping some of my favorite accessories and staples but willingly am letting go of so much outdated baggage.

NO room for it any more.

No, I do not want to hear some horrible story or about a depressing subject.

No, I do not want to give up my only free day in the studio to work crap wages in order to promote someone else's shop.

No, I do not want to eat something that I know will make me ill, just because it's the polite thing to do.

No.

I replace it with a big, fat yes to the things I adore and make me feel great.

M is for Meditation

Meditation has become a very dear friend of mine as of late, especially Mantra Meditation. My saving grace. I could use Saving AND Grace every chance I get! I have fluctuated in my evolution/development on so many levels. I grew intellectually as I stagnated financially. I expanded creatively as I reverted emotionally. The scales of ideal balance are not as evenly weighed as I ideally wished them to be, after all I am human. Taken into consideration that I am human, I must tune up this balancing act with a tool kit which does not merely contain wrenches. I require the full gamut of survival and thrival tools.

 Being by the sea grounds and centers me. 

It astounds me when I think about my resources for living. 

I am blessed to have many creative resources and I cannot help but revisit many of them when I find myself struggling.

Fitted with scientific information describing the brain's function, I can remove severely emotive behaviors and replace them with cool, logical and factual understanding. Nurturing the creative spirit, I can focus on expressing tones of be-ing and translate them into a visual language which is tangible and accessible to me and my viewers. Gently removing the unnecessary commitments which drag me down or hold me back, I then can accomplish my own promises to myself and rightfully shine.

One of my favorite, yet not unchallenging tools for living is Meditation. Quieting the mind is no easy feat, not when you have racing thoughts and are a smarty, both of which I openly admit to. Discovering the discipline to train and contain this mental speedway takes plenty of practice, patience and time.

In the past, I have been a student of certain modalities of meditation. I practiced Transcendental Meditation for a chunk of time. I went and meditated with a group of Shambala Buddhists for another chunk of time. After seeking Guide-ance from beyond my humanness, I intuitively discovered ways to meditate that resonated with me very clearly. I found mantras. Yummy, peaceful mantras. Phrases or sounds which calm and restore my balance. Vibrational yoga, if you will.

By adding a new mantra to my mix, I found it easier to focus my breath and release tension and worry in a shorter period of time than without using a mantra. A mantra can be a simple syllable which corresponds to a specific energy center within your body or as complex as a sanskrit chant. Either way, you will be effected as you use intention to channel energy into peace of mind. 

 Once one realizes we are all connected, may we drive in the carpool lane? 

Whether you have a special sacred place in your home to meditate, go out in nature, meditate as you wash dishes or drive, it is the quieting of the mental chatter that is the main point!

If energy can neither be created nor destroyed, then what can you do when you are a bundle of nerves? Shift those currents from one path to another. Sure, it takes digging out a new course to travel on, and that pretty much is hard to do, but like any positive change, is worth it. I actually found quitting smoking less hard to do then changing my thoughts and mental behaviors- which I still work on daily. Our minds are always with us, urging beliefs based on perceptions and resulting emotions, but that does not render them real or worthy of buying into! When we do something obviously bad for us, like smoking, we see direct results from that behavior, so it is easier to commit to changing that habit. I am not saying it is an easy shift, but it is logical and obvious.

One thing I love so much about meditation is the space it created within me. I found there is this open, existential flow I surrender to when I meditate regularly.

My wits become sharper, my patience with myself and others' expands and I take much less personally.

Jackpot!

L is for Lowe's

Lowe's. Yes that Lowe's.

This is a story about LOVE. And how I found LOVE at Lowe's.

No, I didn't run into some hot handy character in the lumberyard (although I wouldn't mind that at all,) and fall head-over-heals for them. Instead, I ran into someone much more pivotal.

It was a few months ago. I was helping my mother in her search for the perfect kitchen sink/faucet. Deep shopping conundrums here, people. As I was pointing out this or that model, I bumped into a dear friend from my past. Boom!

“Holy crap!” we exclaimed at each other, before she promptly introduced me to her husband.

Wait... Husband?!?

I had no clue she had a new b.f., nonetheless a new hubby. I was speechless, for like- the third time in my entire life. After sharing niceties via shock a'la sinks and faucets, we promised to call one another and, very soon, get together, which we did.

I left without a sink. Instead, I left with a sinking feeling 20 leagues deep.

Here was this friend of mine, shopping with her new mate, and I watched passively as they weighed options regarding a kitchen renovation, together. They were quietly blissful during which what may be overtly perceived as merely mundane acts, yet which mean so much more. Witnessing the two of them blew my corners apart.

My awareness about my at-the-time relationship became crystal clear at that precise moment.

I wanted to be renovating a kitchen with my lover, my partner, my other half. And yet, I knew, if I stayed with the person I was with, I would never have that. EVER. Was I willing to sacrifice that level of connection, shared nesting/planting roots goals and the idea of being an US- forever, for him? Not a chance.

Fast forward a week or so, and I met with L. for a lovely visit. We chatted it up and filled in the gaps since we last connected. After hearing her story, I was completely convinced about what I wanted and deserved. Sometimes I need a push in the forward direction, and seeing people happy together and obviously in love as they shared something trivial made me realize that if I want to have that too, I have to make the space for it to happen.

Please note, I am not superficially basing my entire relationship upon this event alone, yet it represented a larger issue at hand.

Time has passed and it is the Love I still wrestle with. To exchange the ratio of sending my Love outward with my Love going inward has been a challenging, conscious effort. After all, Loving yourself is a strangely worded, abstract concept for most folks. Most respond: “Of course I Love myself!” and yet contradict this statement with their behaviors and reactions.

I knew it was high time I retrograde all that Love I need, back to myself. Give me what I seek. Treat me with the compassion I require and deserve. Set new wheels in motion. And I also knew what that meant.

One must give one thing up to gain another.

Today would have been our anniversary, not that it would have been worthy of a celebration had we stayed together- but where did I find myself?

At Lowe's. 

Purchasing that sink/faucet I was initially shopping for months ago. Feeling pretty crappy about still longing for the Love I dream of. Secretly wishing everything worked out more satisfyingly. But we must all face the reality of our existences. I shook it off as best as I could and made plans to hang with friends later instead of wallowing. And while waiting at the check-out aisle, I started fantasizing about what could have been.Until they walked in. 

An adorable, in Love, newlywed couple buying supplies to build something together.

Instantly, I straightened right up and snapped right out of it.

Discover Love at Lowe's.

Love yourself, and your perfect lover will follow.   

K is for Kali

Kali is the Hindu Goddess of Awakening. She is sometimes seen as a violent deity and is often depicted in the throes of bloody acts. She is a Tantric Warrior! In art, she is black or blue, has four, six or eight arms, and inevitably is surrounded with at least one sword and severed head*!

 Kali Destroys to Create. 

Kali is the force of transformative change. She is the bringer of life through death. Her path is strewn with with annihilation that is both necessary and pained. She is the consort of Lord Shiva and many times is portrayed in artwork standing on his chest! Seen in the nude she is free from illusions put on by others! Needless to say, her image is not one of sugar and spice. 

Alternatively, she can elicit quite an uncomfortable response, much like her energetic influence does.

 She is my favorite Goddess. 

She cuts away the unnecessary influences- and not gently, mind you! She does not quietly close the door to open a window, she smashed the wall in order to let the elements in.

If you are stuck in a rut either mentally or emotionally, call upon her powers to help you change that, but know, it will be a dramatic change. Personally, if I notice I need a change, it is usually after a while has gone by and I am in dire effort I seek that change, so her level of intensity is welcomed.

Kali energy is not for every circumstance though. Calling upon her for help gives you some pretty strong mojo, so be careful what you ask for! You just may get it!

In the right setting, Kali can infuse you with the strength to claim your own power to change (through destruction,) but only if those changes are truly intended out of need, from your heart, or YOU will be the recipient of her destruction!

Like any majik, calling upon powerful spirit energies must be done with the utmost intention of purest heart and soul. Any intent of spirit done out of malice or for personal gain will surely result in negative results, mark my word!

So what would one call upon Kali for? Kali is a dear friend and mentor when you need to break a bad habit. Perhaps you are addicted to a negative person, behavior, substance or way of thinking- and it is taking it's toll, literally ruining you, quickly or slowly- that is a perfect time to ask for Kali to help. She shows you how to wield a scimitar to slay your own dragons, teaches the proper moves, then hands you one of your very own!

*Swords represent air, the mental realm- and in Kali's case, her sword represents Knowledge. The severed head is the human aspect, the ego which must be slain to make way for the creative energy to flow in.

Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction Creation Destruction

 Such is life.  

J is for Journaling

I thought J was for Joy, but I had a long day and my Joie De Vivre left the building. I contemplated J being for Jealousy, but nobody wins with that big monster. J is also for Juniper, Jonquils and Jasmine, but I just don't feel like prattling on about plants. Blah Blah Blah, etc.

Journaling it is then!

At any given time in my life, since I was about 8, I had a journal or three- of some sort. It all started out like many young girls' journaling journeys do, with a Diary.

As in “Dear Diary...”

Peel back the layers of adult language and some intellectual maturing and I still do the same thing.

I write my thoughts and feelings down in reaction to my life.

When I was a little sprout, I wrote about my teachers, my peers, my family and whomever I was wrapped up with- in my heart, in my diary. Nothing has changed, aside from the fact that I do not have a tiny little lock on the journals I write in.

It's cathartic at times and irritating at others to keep a journal. Getting those long days out on paper can be the just the venting I need, but if all I did was have a series of unfortunate events, or I feel depressed to the maxx, I need to escape that mire and laugh, not spew. If I turn to writing it out on that kind of day, I may dig myself deeper into an even worse mood. Yuck!

About six long years ago, I started journaling first thing in the morning, as suggested in the book The Artist's Way, but lost juice a month or so into it. That habit didn't stick so well. It felt like work, and work before I get out of bed might as well be pleasurable, right? 

That definitely was not pleasurable, but it was helpful.

Journaling first thing when I woke up let me get all that sleepy headed commotion out of my brain and onto paper. It let me voice my fears and anxieties before I began my day. It also helped me remain focused and clear the proverbial Air.

On second thought, it was a great idea!

Journaling is a meditation, is therapeutic, is an exercise.

I usually journal daily and find that it frees me up to access deeper parts of myself, parts which may take much longer to appear had I not allowed myself to clear the space for them to rise to the surface. My creativity even amplifies when I journal devotedly, since I jot down ideas for visual projects instead of filing them away in the chaos of my mind. My emotive awareness becomes even more apparent to me by my merely looking at my handwriting as I free-write, which shows me areas I need to address, dismiss or ponder some more. The sheer joy I receive from writing, no matter how delightful or awful I believe the entries are, becomes my own intimate experience that nobody can judge or intrude on in any way. I rather appreciate that fact. For some, journaling is their only way to connect, even if nobody reads their words. The process of releasing that which is within is essential to us all.

Some fun Journaling theme/book ideas:

The Artistic Journal- use collage &/or art supplies to express what's in your heart/soul/mind.

Poem/Haiku a Day Journal.

Food Lovers Journal- include recipes and photos!

A Healing Journal- to honor your own restorative progress.

Journaling Options I LOVE to USE:

Bring your journal to a place you never would think to, and write-

Try it at a busy bar, in a church, in a parking lot on a rainy day. The sky is the limit!

Log your day from the exact time you begin writing the first word and work backwards through your entire day.

Try to write from a perspective as yourself at 8 or 88.

My favorite papers to journal on include:

Graph paper spiral notebook [4x4 squares per inch,]

Silky, hot-press cotton paper journal made of a heavy stock,

Notebooks I can draw or paint in that are not so thin that the goods bleed through.

But I will write in pretty much any notebook, journal or log.

My favorite writing implements include:

Fountain pen. YUM!

Felt-tip Sakura India ink pens- in 005 point or slightly thicker.

Rollerball flowing gel ink pen. Smudgetastic-o!

But if it writes, I wouldn't even mind using a crayon!

 Joyous Journaling to you all!