Balancing Act Ellipsis

In the last two days at work, I suffered 5 glass cuts on my hands/fingers. Aside from the discomfort and inconvenience of these occurrences, I am being forced to analyze this (that's my Virgo Sun rearing her meticulous head) energetically. My co-worker at the frame shop- M. (who I rarely work with) is a spiritual ally as well as a friend- was startled by my bloody mayhem and said :

“Violet, you are out of balance and need to ground yourself.”

Truer words have not been said.

I'm stuck on Band-Aids, 'cuz Band-Aid's stuck on me!

I have a cut on my left pointer knuckle/base, another on my left thumb knuckle, one on my right inner thumb crux, one on my right ring fingertip AND one on my outer right pinky fingertip!

Our hands represent that which we grasp or hold. I clearly had not been able to grasp the brevity of my emotional world, that much is obvious. My body manifested reactions to the sublime workings of my Heart and Soul.

It is perfect timing to be reminded of the delicate balance of life as the Sun transits through Libra. Libra, oft represented in imagery as the scales remind us of balance, of dichotomies and of fairness. A Libran will listen to an entire anecdote and judge it based upon balanced fairness. (Versus the Gemini who will listen to and pose both sides of the story- in efforts to be thorough and well-informed, often without making a judgement about it at all.)

Shattered

Interlude- the Science behind said slices:

Glass is known as a super-cooled liquid. Molecules of heated silica (imbued with a flux during the melting stage for stability) are mechanically or manually poured out and pressed or rolled out into sheets to cool, forming what we call glass. Although we usually think of glass as a solid, it is not. It is a fluid whose molecules move so slowly they appear as a solid to the eye. If you have ever worked with panes or sheets of glass, you may be familiar with the quasi-bendy quality- especially if you have pushed a large sheet to it's limit and it shattered in your hands. Ouch!

When I woke today, I started thinking of the glass-cut correlation and my balancing- energetically. I did not cut myself on mat boards (representing an Earth quality, being made of cotton pulp) or with tools (representing Metal) but with glass (representing Water, the emotional world.)

Admittedly, I have been out of balance emotionally lately. For some time now, emotional lessons have been extra stringent and heavy, due to my resistance of them. I was not ready to delve into the shadows of that world, being intense and scary. Heartache and heart-break will do that sometimes, and I made a pact with myself some time ago to allow myself a safe place to experience and immerse myself in it when I have the space to.

At times, life does not work as we plan it to, does it?

From the Mary-El tarot deck.
One of my favorite Lovers cards ever. 

For months now, I have been resisting a grieving period necessary for the emotional growth I am needing so desperately. Touching upon the grief, tiny periods of release have popped up at the most inconvenient of times, like when I am at work, or while riding the bus. “I will revisit you later” I told the emotions, but never finding “the right time” I suffered silently, eating and swallowing the pain that so desperately cried to be released in physical and spiritual form. It festered and grew which made matters worse in the long run. I couldn't bawl at work, on the bus, etc. Timing is of essence sometimes.
It has been months since I really cried. When I had access to the tears, had the space and the time to, tears dried up and went away. It was like “holding it” when you need to pee; the urge just dwindles until you cannot wait any more.

I can't wait any longer.

Even though I have no tears at this moment, I welcome them when they deem fit, and in the meantime, I will embrace the healing process in other forms. I am finally excepting the harsh reality of what got me to this place, the dark and the light of it. I had compartmentalized the two aspects for far too long, seeing only the dark or the light. Therein lies the pain. The two cannot exist with out each other.

Being an Earthy lady, it sometimes takes physical signs for me to correlate the deeper recesses- not all the time though, just when I need it to. (I am not suggesting that always I need an ailment or accident to manifest for my sight to be crystalized, but on occasion it has happened, and it helped. How do we spin out of control? Nobody is perfectly balanced 100% of the time, nobody!)

Yin-Yang

Libra, the opposite of Aries on the Natal wheel, represents the WE in life, the partnerings experienced in life which bring us lovers and business/working pairs, versus the Arien I we all put forth. Libra energy heralds the balance and lessons learned in the world of We. Following Virgo's period of analysis and subsequent healing, Libra moves us forth onto the next step of life's processes of the experiences we take on as we grow. I like to think of Virgo as the pathologist, one who gathers detailed information and views the physical scenario to create a healing plan. Libra is the partnering of the healing.

In this suffering, I am the pathologist, the doctor and the patient. Physician, HEAL thy Self!!!

Okay then. Here we go.

Viewing life as an ellipsis, I seek a center point to view experiences from- the grounding point on a mathematical compass. Experiences and lessons cycle and re-cycle throughout our lifetimes, pleasant and unpleasant. To say to the Universe: “I no longer want to experience this” before we understand the meaning of the exact point of the path we are on would be like short-changing one's Self. I don't want to do that. Conversely, repeating uncomfortable lessons, experiences and patterns could insinuate a deeper Karmic issue at hand which needs to be dealt with energetically in another manner.

Awareness: I have literally cut myself off energetically to the deep emotional world which seeks to embrace me through this trying time. I return to the fearless state of Knowing this, and I am able to transform this seemingly-alarming energy into a positive experience where I continue to grow and trust the process. AHA!

PATH of least resistance

Assessing my wounds (pathologist) I am in charge of the healing path I choose to put into play (doctor) and experience the healing which is taking place (patient) as I share this process here, aloud.

Fortunately, I have been creating works of art and writing, copiously- throughout this entire “rough patch.” Looking at the fertile body of work flowing forth from my Soul and through my hands- which have bubbled upward and out- I see that I have been expressing my rich Emotional world all along, sometimes delicately and at other times, fiercely. The Emotional world balances itself out, given space and time to. Thank you Libra, for bringing this to my attention.

Isn't it attention and presence which leads to grounding one's Self? It serves as a giant step at least!

Ma'at weighs our hearts against a feather...
I have been heavy-hearted to say the least!

Apprehension (fear) leads to blocks of the necessary flow towards our higher Self's validating and healing experiences, or at least slows them down. Like glass. Slow to flow. I allowed my wounds to slow me down. I needed to. It hurt too much to delve in. But it does not any more. I see the path and move forward on it toward the goals I made, stopping to smell the flowers along the way- an imperative step in human development. Some flowers smell glorious, others make us sneeze. I will walk on, resting when I need to, pushing forth when I need to, sharing when I need to, retreating when I need to- all the time, blessing life, in gratitude and with grace.

Keep on walking the path!

Faithful Captain of the Ship of Fools

I have been doing exactly what I intended to NOT do: avoid this blog if I was going through tough times. It is as if I do not want to admit, in some "sacred space" that I am human. I have other venues for that. I have my friends and my writing and other creative outlets. But change and growth is exactly why I started this blog, as I mentioned. 

It is a process, change. We push and shove and expect it to react in kind by having immediate results [like a haircut or outfit change] but true transformation does not adhere to our simple rules. 

Isn't it true that the only thing we can control is how we react to our circumstances? If so, then we only have our responses to guide us as we move onward. 

I could say the words "I accept change and therefore I am okay with it" but I would only be lying- mainly, to myself. (I have actually said that before. Silly me.) Currently, at this moment, I am in a quasi-denial stage of resisting to acknowledge a change I not only asked for, but initiated. 

Knowing full well that it could be extra-chunky and hard to chew,
 I said "Okay Universe, I am ready."

 Then I leaped.

I was the fool... 

Well, kind of.

Like the Vagabond here.

{From: "Ship of Fools" tarot deck by Brian Willams.}

We know that the unknown is frightening and exciting, it's just that we tend to get the ratio of scared witless to giddy all wonky. I do anyway. 

  Holy Moly  -VS-  Bring It On  

  Showdown on NOW!  

For so long, I was a fighter. I had to be. Survival was of the essence. I fought for basic needs. I fought for fairness and justice. I fought for pride. I fought fought fought.
And at some point, I decided it was futile. Either my basic needs would get met or not. Either fairness would rule or not. Pride is an illusion and a dangerous one. I took off my gloves and walked out of the ring.
Years have come and gone, and I realized recently that I only stepped into the ring to fight with myself. Not FOR myself.

That is where the Universe comes into play.

Like a message in a bottle, when we toss out our intentions, they often return from distant shores once we released expectations of their return. So it is with the boomerang of energy which is our prayers or wishes on a higher level. If we hold on, white-knuckled, to our desires, we crush them in our own hand. When we cradle them with loving kindness and release them like a butterfly, they find their way to their own perfect little home.

I asked the Universe for just that.
My own perfect little home.
And what I got in return was very different than I expected. I was looking forward to a roof over my head, a cosy nook to call my own. And what i got was a boost of confidence to call ME my own home, for I had been looking outside for home the entire time. My cosy nook isn't ready for me yet. I have to believe it is getting itself ready for me and in good time, we will be united. I have to have faith it will.

Faith comes in many forms. It does not have to be a religious doctrine, although it often is associated as thus. For most of my youth and early adult life, I believed I had no faith since I do not adhere to religion. I thought they went hand in hand. Having always been a very spiritual person, I had my own set of beliefs I was comfortable maneuvering around life and it's challenges with.

A friend told me I had much faith a few years back after I was going through a wrestling match with forgiveness. I cannot recall the way she put it, but it made sense to me and I have verbally owned having faith now.
(My having of faith has neither grown nor shrank. I just have it.)
Who knows what I called faith before, but there is power in naming things which are abstractions of linear understanding. It makes them less abstract and more tangible.
Just what I needed at the time.

Which brings me to the Ship I am on.
 I am the captain of this Ship of Fools and all the Fools are me. Every face is mine.
Every face presents itself with infinite possibility and infinite strangeness, for every face is looking in a direction uncharted. It is up to me to steer the Ship.

  Up to me to decide where we/I go.   

I want to go where I need to be.
I want to experience and savor each morsel of this crazy trip
as I transform into Vee-2 point OH!
Some of these morsels are sweet, some spicy, some bland, some rotten, but all are worthy of tasting.
I forget this fact sometimes.
I want to rush through the yucky stuff because I know it's going to be uncomfortable, but dang- there's a big treat at the end.
And presence in right now. I forget that one the most.
I actually forget to breathe sometimes. I hold my breath and clench my jaw out of the resistance.

And then I have to come back to center.

Back to my little home on my back and BE.


I will leave you with a quote from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance 
by Robert M. Pirsig:

"On this trip I think we should notice it, explore it a little, to see if in that strange separation of what man is from what man does we may have some clues as to what the hell has gone wrong in this twentieth century. I don't want to hurry it. That itself is a poisonous twentieth-century attitude. When you want to hurry something, that means you no longer care about it and want to get on to other things. I just want to get at it slowly, but carefully and thoroughly, with the same attitude I remember was present just before I found that sheared pin. It was that attitude that found it, nothing else."