I find it difficult to
keep resolutions, any type of resolutions- at the beginning of the New Year or during other
times as well. But since 2012 was so challenging for me [resplendent
with rewards and feats of personal growth,] I thought it fitting to
write up a goals list akin to a resolution list. So I sauntered
upstairs and took out my paint markers and a giant sketch pad.
I love
writing notes to myself on giant paper, I tend to revisit them that
way.
Goes great with fat markers. |
I titled it 2013
Revolution List. It was a typo.
Or was it?
Here is what I came up
with, in no particular order.
1~ Do ONE creative thing
(for my-Self) each day.
2~ Listen- with Love-
to my body's messages.
3~ Let my-Self feel all
of my emotions:
the pleasant, the
unpleasant, the neutral.
4~ End comparisons of
my-Self to/with others.
5~ Accept what is
with grace, patience and detachment.
In the last some-odd weeks
since the number on our checkbooks changed, I came down with the
dreaded flu. Yup, that flu. I also suffered a nasty sinus infection
and a skull-aching maxillary infection. I had to listen to my body's
messages.
By default, I have quit
smoking [again, and finally] and cut out certain foods which hurt me
when I eat them. I am on the mend. Slowly but surely.
I was collecting moss like this relic here, but I am back in the swing of things... OR I have greased the wheels so-to-speak. |
Something about being as
ill as I was with the flu was quite telling. Being down for the count
for days on end offered oodles of reflection time. Asking myself how
I was regularly spending my time and energy when I was “well”
became a serious inquiry. For too long to note, I did not let myself
feel my true emotions. I knew this but I still busied myself behind
fun activities and with “friends” who didn't get it. I was
naturally the life of every party. (That will never change, I am
super-fun!)
I escaped in manners which
seemed healthy at the time, all the while, I suffered deep down and
was unaware of my suffering. It was only after I moved into the place
I live now that I was able to let down my hair in a safe, timely
manner- my own time.
Without other people to
entertain or answer to, I come home every day and call each and every
shot. Good mood or bad, I don't have to say hello to anyone but my
cat, and her expectations are low, yet I get unconditional love from
her- and the sporadic free-range turd- but that's another story.
In being ill, I had days
on end, laying about, drinking tea and juice and water, napping as I
cried. I cried for days. I was harboring something damaging other
than germs. I had years worth of a strong facade to peel back.
You know how when you need a new roof on your house, you can
re-surface it 2X before you have to strip it and start anew? That is
exactly how I felt. I re-surfaced my self, but those shingles needed
to finally go, they were not holding up any longer. Tears became my
carpenters.
Revolution #3:
Let my-Self feel all of
my emotions:
the pleasant, the
unpleasant, the neutral.
I honestly thought that I
had to keep up a stony face to get through, but all I ended up doing
was stuffing pain and rage and other heavy emotions deeper into an
abyss. I didn't know how to access it all. It was too big. The years
of disappointment and sadness melted into anger and shock. How to
un-knot that mess? How about the flu?
Perfect!
I honestly believe it was
my emotional tipping point that lowered my immunity and resistance to
germs. Had I felt emotionally stronger, my body would respond in
kind.
One thing I know 100%
well- it is my body.
No doctor could say a word
to me otherwise. I truly am a case of “physician, heal thy self.”
Since I could remember, I knew what was behind any
ailment I suffered from, much to the confusion or argument of
physicians- with the exception of my favorite doctor- Dr. Yang, my
TCM physician, who always listens- with his entire being.
One human to another. I Love him!
Wait-
I digress.
It is of perfect timing
that I got so physically ill.
In a small, strange way, I
am actually thankful I got sick!
Sometimes I don't fit in... but that's okay! |
Revolution #5:
Accept what is with
grace, patience and detachment.
Being that ill acted as a
reminder to me how I was poisoning myself with bad habits, choices,
thoughts and actions. I was not acting as gentle to
my-self as I want to be. In a week and a half time, I have been
through hell. Flu is no joke as it is, but top it with not one but
two serious infections, and subsequently, an emergency oral surgery-
and VOILA! That is my 2013 New Year's intro smash-hit!
Bob Marley knew... |
As a result of this germy
contemplation, I really commit to be as loving to me as I can. Ciggs
had to go. Again. Bye-bye! I want to nurture my body (and spirit,)
appreciate it and feel energized by what I put into it. I have also,
by default, slowed my alcohol intake to a minimum. Other than my
visit on New Year's Eve out of state, I have been barely imbibing at
all. I noticed how puffy and foggy I feel when I drink any booze. I
am not saying I am quitting, but my natural inclination is not there
as it was, so that is just fine with me. It is an empty-calorie
depressant also, and those are two negative things I need not. I did
agree to feel my emotions. Drinking covers certain emotions and
heightens others, so a break is in order as far as that goes. Food
does the same.
All are correct. |
Certain foods cary
resonance vibrationally that renders them comforting or stimulating
or calming, etc. Nutritional value aside, I am suggesting their
spiritual and emotional resonance. There are certain phrases which
are common knowledge in our language and have become idioms which are
likened to this very subject: “cool as a cucumber” being
one of them. I dare you to munch on a cuke when you are pissed off,
you won't stay as mad as you were- I promise... It really works! Too
much hot and spicy foods can actually agitate your disposition.
So, in thinking about
listening to my body's messages- with Love- I am lead to respond, in
kind. Aversion to dairy, I hear you loud and clear. Craving slightly
bitter greens- time for escarole salads. Our bodies will guide us, if
we choose to and know how to listen.
Turn it up!!! |
Revolution #2:
I listen- with Love-
to my body's messages.
A few years ago, I decided
that I wanted to be the healthiest person I knew. I eschewed my
depression and fought it with healthy habits like walking, dancing
and meditating. I had no money to speak of, and many details of my
life were pointing in a dark direction. I didn't let that stop me. I
was positive that the universe would provide the perfect
circumstances and people in my life, and it did! I was eating a 95%
vegan, high-raw diet, because that is what my body really craves and
excels with. And my entire world changed in a year and a half time.
Without giving too many
details, I will just say that some of the changes in my life over
that 5 years since then were not the healthiest, and I was unable to
continue eating my favorite ways, but this is now, and I make new
choices daily!
I bless the wisdom I have
gained and let the rough portions of the lessons go. I am moving
through the painful parts, and past the negative habit parts into
that self-made space from way back when, when I decided to be really
healthy- body, mind, heart and spirit.
Sometimes we need a period
of intense detox to clear the gunk before we beam with light and
health. Knowing what works gently and what throws me into
detox-shock, I can take my time getting to my perfect
homeostasis. I am not interested in how it works for anyone else.
Their journey is theirs. My journey is mine.
True friends don't judge! |
Revolution # 4:
END comparisons of
my-Self to/with others.
Which brings me to this
essay, this journal entry, this blog. I am doing one creative thing
today: writing it down. I write for myself, not knowing if I will
share it or it will ever be read even if I do. That's fine. I know
that the only things worth doing are done for myself, nobody else.
And if they reach someone or speak to another person, that is a bonus
round. I am grateful either way.
Revolution #1:
Do one creative thing
[for my-Self] each day!
P.S. Try to be Kind, Loving & Gentle (to your-Self) this year! |